Picking up where episode 2 left off, Rebecca is still in her wedding dress, laying on her bed, obsessing over the things she told Josh. She’s so worked up that, as her younger self says, her “anxiety is so powerful that it’s manifested in human form as me, who is you.”
On the plus side, she’s definitely getting her money’s worth out of that dress.
We practically get a reprise of You Stupid Bitch, but then Rebecca remembers that Josh doesn’t know that Robert isn’t a dog, so she still has a few secrets left. For now. Because Josh will need to defend himself when the lawsuit goes to court, and he’ll be looking for every shred of evidence that he can dredge up.
Personally, I think she’s thinking like a Harvard lawyer here and giving Josh’s intelligence and ability to plan way to much credit, but whatever. She’s needs a reason to continue with her revenge scheme, and having been used and led on for 2 seasons, then left at the altar, humiliated and holding the bag for the very real and expensive nonrefundable wedding expenses, isn’t enough for the writers.
Just before the theme song plays, Young Bex does hit Adult Bex with all of the insults: “You stalking, obsessive, psycho, crazy…” She’s cut off before she gets to “bitch” and “st…alking” is inserted for stupid, but the parallel is obvious.
Rebecca rushes to the office so that she can call off the lawsuit. Paula is excited about an interview she’s scheduled for them with the feminist blog The Corset to discuss the case. Rebecca decides to resort to drastic measures to drown Paula’s enthusiasm. She attacks Paula’s legal skills and the documents that have been prepared for the case so far. It’s a low blow. Paula’s insecurities as a law student kick in, and Rebecca twists the knife. Paula decides to cancel the interview, as Rebecca planned.
Heather is called to meet with the Bursar at West Covina Community College. Over the past 8 years, she’s taken every course that the college offers. Some of them twice. It’s time for her to fly. He hands her a cap and gown. She leaves the office and is thrown into a spiritually uplifting song about dreaming and flying and finding herself. We are all confused about how Heather ended up in this song.
Nathaniel is still hung up on Rebecca. Rebecca is still caught up in her own drama, despite Nathaniel’s attempt’s to get Rebecca’s attention. George sees how pathetic Nathaniel is becoming, and offers to become the LeFou to Nathan’s Gaston.
Sometimes, it takes a nosy village and a small, overly supportive sidekick to bring a couple together. Rebecca has been systematically driving away the guys who might be the beast in this Beauty and the Beast scenario. It’s looking more and more like Rebecca herself might be the beast. At this point, I’m all for a more sympathetic Gaston bagging his quarry.
George lays out his plan for Nathan to win Rebecca, which amounts to sleeping with her, then playing it cool, the way he should have the first time. Also George will provide free stress relieving massages, which maybe sounds more suggestive than it should, but we all know by now that LeFou and Gaston were gay, right*?
Rebecca is keeping herself busy at the office by talking to her hallucination, so she misses the notice that Josh sent out a Facetime message, until HallucinationBex points it out. Josh is calling a friends meeting at Home Base to talk about what’s been going on with him. He’s even paying for the snacks himself, so it must be serious. That could only mean… he’s going to out Rebecca and her stalking!!! It’s panic time!
Okay, let’s dial it back. Bex&Bex used a smear campaign against a rival to win the election for junior high school student council treasurer. They felt bad, really bad, but Tiffany couldn’t be allowed to let people know that Bex was stuffing her bra with maxi pads. Telling everyone that Tiffany had a brain tumor that turned her into a pathological liar was a brilliant idea.
This seems like a much worse crime than going after the professor who undoubtedly took advantage of multiple female students, and cheated on his wife. That guy had it coming. Tiffany was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
This is what comes of Naomi’s high pressure parenting. A win-at-all-costs mentality.
Bex&Bex realize that they can use the same basic method on Josh. The lawsuit and interview are back on. Paula and Rebecca (singular, thank goodness) meet the Corset reporter. Rebecca steers the interview toward Josh’s many, made up, lying lies.
Rebecca pressures the reporter to get the story out there before happy hour, when Josh will tell his side of the story to his friends. She feeds Paula a line about not wanting to burst Paula’s bubble by telling Paula what Josh was really like, which is closer to the truth than either of them wants to admit.
The first batch of “lies” are all about Josh’s male friends, racism, and LGBTQIA. As in our real life culture, no one cares all that much about the actual lies Josh told Rebecca, or the real wrongs that he did to her. She can’t even see them herself any more. She instinctively knows that fake racism and homophobia will be taken more seriously than Josh’s casual misogyny against both herself and Valencia.
While Rebecca obsessively refreshes the Corset home page, Heather obsesses about graduating. She asks Rebecca for support, but Rebecca is busy being self-absorbed and mentally ill. Rebecca suggests that Heather kill Astraya, the starfish that she’s been taking care of for her Marine Biology class, so that she fails the class. Then Rebecca hurries out the door. No victim is too small for Rebecca’s current schemes.
Josh finds WhiJo, Hector, Kevin and Chris at Home Base. They all give him an icy stare, and hand him the Corset article to read. He argues that Rebecca’s the crazy one, and lists her sins. The bros take Rebecca’s side, because she’s a smart lawyer and wouldn’t act as stupidly as he claims she did. Score one for a college education.
Rebecca is watching the whole thing. She doesn’t seem as overjoyed as you’d think she’d be. She goes back to the office and Paula, who tells her she’s a real role model: a Madonna-Malala-Moana salad.
Josh has decided to pull out his weapon of last resort: the envelope on Rebecca’s past that Trent gave him the night before the wedding. He’s not brave enough to deal with such power on his own, so he takes it to Father Brah. Who tells him to open it already, it’s just an envelope.
Nathaniel and George have been enacting their plan to get Rebecca’s attention, despite Rebecca’s complete distraction. Nathan invited Bex to dinner, which Bex promptly forgot to attend. Nathan has to sing out his sorrows. At the zoo. Sometimes the aquarium, but Susan is missing tonight, so it’s just the zoo. The monkeys really get him, okay?
I believe that this is an obscure reference to the song that LeFou sings to Gaston to cheer him up, reminding him what a great hunter and manly physical specimen he is. Nathaniel is cheered up by the animals relating to him, and the special privilege of being in the zoo at night, proving his superiority.
Heather can’t bring herself to kill Astraya, so she resigns herself to graduate.
Rebecca is going to be on Sally Jesse Raphael.
Paula gets a message from Father Brah and races out of the office. Rebecca finds out about the message soon after, and follows her.
Nathaniel comes to the horrifying realization that he like likes Rebecca. George counsels Nathan to tell Rebecca about his feelings. I question George’s ability to read a room, or even a person.
Paula arrives at Father Brah’s office, only to find that Josh is there too. Father Brah convinces her to stay. He shows her the restraining order Robert got against Rebecca, a sealed criminal indictment for Rebecca’s arson charges, and the intake papers for the psych hospital Rebecca went to in lieu of prison.
Father Brah is freaking out that she hasn’t told anyone about her past. Paula says it’s like they never really knew her. Rebecca eavesdrops on the whole thing.
I’m not going to condone or minimize attempted arson, BUT. Rebecca was in no way required to tell anyone but Josh her secrets, and it’s arguable whether she was required to spill everything to him before the wedding ceremony. Plenty of couples don’t.
Father Brah just said that the indictment was SEALED, which means that it’s illegal for them to see it. Rebecca’s medical records are legally protected and she could sue both the hospital and Trent for allowing them to be made public. Trent stole the records. That whole scene was an offensive and massive violation of Rebecca’s privacy. It’s unethical for Father Brah to show them to anyone else, possibly also illegal.
Rebecca’s legal and mental health history are her own business. She’s not required to share them with anyone unless or until she’s ready. The fact that Darryl didn’t know about the arson means that the charges were officially expunged from her record, otherwise she’s have to declare that she’d been arrested when she applies for jobs, and it would show up on a background check.
How many times was Greg driving around drunk, by his own admittance? How much of Rebecca’s “stalking” behavior was actually Paula? Remember that time, last week, when Nathaniel was willing to commit conspiracy to murder and other felonies for Rebecca? Yet we’re convinced that Rebecca’s half-hearted attempt to get even with her douchey, manipulative professor when she was a kid is the most evil, crazy behavior on this show?
I continue to have a serious problem with the way this show is throwing Rebecca under the bus for her mental illness, but portraying the mentally ill men as cute, or fine, or ignoring their actions completely. Then there’s Paula, who has been an enabler, or equal participant, from the start, but likes to pretend that she knows nothing about any of the “crazy” behaviors.
Bex&Bex decide that it’s time to make a run for it, their go-to strategy when their life falls apart. The only question left is whether or not to pack a pantsuit. I agree with Young Bex. Go for the suit. It’s better to pack too much than to not have the right outfit.
Young Bex takes off, her fairy godmother work done for the week. Nathaniel shows up just in time to save Rebecca from being alone with her thoughts. He’s got a crush on Rebecca and a private jet that can take them to Rome. This will be the best “escape from blowing up her life” that Rebecca has ever staged! Nate picks Bex up, bridal style, to carry her to the car, because if we’re doing a fantasy escape, we’re gonna go all the way.
They make it as far as the front door before they’re stopped by the girl squad and Darryl. With the incriminating envelope. Oops.
Paula and Rebecca’s favorite internet thing- Celebrities with cellulite that looks like kittens with yarn.
Darryl is devastated that Michael Crichton is dead. He has to call everyone he knows. Darryl finds out that some of Crichton’s books came out after Crichton became a human. That’s why Darryl was confused.
Rebecca: “So I’m thinking the word women can be spelled out on my fingernails, but with a Y, or maybe just a bunch of unicorns.”
Paula: “Public radio? Josh? Is there a different public radio? One with pictures?”
Josh’s Lies:
He doesn’t listen to his Hispanic friend Hector and his mom’s podcast, even though he says he does, because he’s racist. He only listens to white public radio shows.
He lied about believing in God and joined the priesthood to steal donations from the church.
He told WhiJo that he’s okay with gay people but he’s not. He doesn’t want LGBTQIA people to have bathrooms.
More lies:
He’s an anti-vaxer.
He’s a Holocaust denier.
*At first I just linked to this, but I can’t resist adding it. The Crazy Ex-Girlfriend creators are all musical theater geeks, and I can’t imagine they haven’t seen it as well. If it wasn’t the inspiration for the growing, excessive intimacy between George and Nathaniel, it should have been. Plus, Nick Adams is one of my crushes. Best. Fiyero. Ever.
Metawitches 
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