Good morning! It’s a beautiful day in Santa Clarita. Sheila has her freezer full of fresh smoothie fixings, and we’re serenaded by the Puppini Sisters while she works the blender. Then it’s time for a brisk walk with the neighborhood wives.
Unfortunately, not everyone is enjoying life as much as Sheila is today. Alondra wants to follow John Legend on tour, but being a new mom is cramping her style. Lisa’s sex life is boring. Is anyone surprised that Dan treats sex like a military operation? Sheila advises them both to live life to the fullest, have more fun, give it the full Oprah! Lisa and Alondra notice how different Sheila is lately. She attributes it to her new, protein rich diet.
Joel is visiting all of the paranormal bookstores in the area looking for anything that might help them figure out Sheila’s undead condition. He doesn’t have any luck until he comes across a pair of medieval prints that show someone projectile vomiting green puke and a round organ, just like the process Sheila went through, and then biting and killing another person. He buys the prints.
When Joel gets home, Rick asks to look in the trunk of his car. These are not words he wants to hear a cop say to him the day after he’s transported a body. Sheila shows up just in time to grab a stray piece of her meal before Rick sees it.
Dan brings over some new ant spray. He found an ant in his kitchen, and it must have come from Joel’s yard. They need to solve their ant problem. Dan is stressing me out. Get some ant traps, dude. Spray your perimeter. Learn to live in peace and harmony with God’s creatures. Stop harassing your neighbors.
Sheila and Joel examine the prints from the occult bookstore. The bookseller told Joel that they’re copies of prints from 16th century Serbia. There is writing on the prints, but it’s in Serbian. They need to find someone who can read it.
Abby’s school calls them in for a meeting with the principal. Abby has been skipping school and corrupting Eric, who is a perfect student. Sheila is unhappy with the principal’s implications that Abby is stupid and comes from a stupid family. She’s hostile and threatening, while Joel tries to keep the meeting on track. The principal threatens Abby with suspension if she misses school again. Sheila seriously considers eating him. Joel thinks this is a bad idea.
They talk to Abby about school. She says it’s become meaningless with all of the changes the family’s been through. Sheila thinks that Abby should quit school if it doesn’t have value to her any more. Joel and Abby are shocked. Joel sends Abby to her room, and tells Sheila to get her act together. She’s out of control.
Sheila goes to visit Eric, her resident zombie undead expert. Can she control herself so that she doesn’t lose her family? Eric tells her that she’s a slave to her id, it’s impossible for her to change. But, on the other hand, anything is possible, so there’s always hope.
Joel talks to Abby about developing better ways to cope with stress than skipping school. He remembers that when he was a teenager, he loved to ride his motorcycle. They borrow Rick’s bike, and take a ride up into the hills to a spot Joel and Sheila loved, to look at the view. Joel and Abby take the opportunity to freak out together over Sheila’s death, undeath, and major personality change. It’s cathartic to finally acknowledge what really happened, and that the future is uncertain.
The family goes with Lisa to Eric’s science fair that evening. Principal Novak antagonizes Sheila again, then suspends Abby when Sheila responds to him with insults. He walks out into the hall to get ready to go home for the day. Sheila attempts to follow him, but is stopped by Joel. He missed their interaction, and just wants to tell Sheila how much he still loves her. She says that she really needed to hear him say those words right now, and chases after Principal Novak.
Sheila backs Novak into the wall, and threatens him with all of the things a realtor can do to ruin property values, Zillow ratings, and to otherwise make his life hell, unless he lets Abby back in school. Novak agrees and runs for his car. Joel and Abby are impressed. Sheila says she’s just doing what she needs to do to keep her family.
Joel notices a Serbian flag in Novak’s office. He chases Novak to the parking lot, where Novak admits that, yes, he’s Serbian, but only his grandmother speaks the language. Joel will need to find a way to meet her.
The next morning, the neighborhood is in an uproar as Sheila’s advice comes home to roost. Lisa is now having an affair, Rick bought a range rover without telling Alondra, and Alondra made plans to see John Legend for three weekends in February without talking to Rick. To be fair, Sheila didn’t tell anyone to cheat or make plans without consulting their spouse.
Dan is even more upset about the fictional ants, because his any spray hasn’t been touched. He decides to apply it himself. While he’s kneeling in the Hammonds’ backyard, he finds one of Gary’s fingers hiding in the grass. They’ve got some more explaining to do.
This episode feels like the calm before the storm. They’ve all reached a bit of equilibrium to give them a minute to adjust to the massive change in circumstance, and that feels like a relief. But this is only the beginning of a permanent and stressful lifestyle change. Finding victims, disposing of remains, and keeping secrets is going to become a gruesome, grueling long haul.
It seems like Joel might be a single parent now, in practice. Sheila’s going to need to watch herself and her actions constantly to make sure she’s not going too far. That’s going to take up a lot of her emotional energy.
Sheila: Alondra, you need to put on a crop top, go to a concert, and shake those boobs for someone who doesn’t just see them as dinner.
Joel: I’m looking for something more real, less for kids. Bookseller: I do have one thing in the back, but I don’t show it to a lot of people. Joel: What is it? Bookseller: Zombie porn.
We are sung out of this episode by Skee-Lo with the song I Wish.
Metawitches 
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