In episode three, Sheila and Joel attempt to fulfill Gary the severed head’s last wish, prove they are good people, build cherry wood bookshelves, and possibly eat a real life Nazi. They achieve only moderate success, but Joel does get some great ideas for the bookshelves, while Sheila discovers an all you can eat buffet of white supremacists. Eric and Ramona manage to have an entire relationship in one episode, from 1st date to the awkward break up that ensues when he discovers she’s been using him. Ramona is the Zen undead femme fatale of Santa Clarita, and she uses her powers without guilt. It’s a successful date episode for both couples, in the sense that they all come out of it in better circumstances than they were at the beginning of the episode.
The episode picks up right where episode 2 left off, out in the desert, with Sheila and Joel in the process of moving Gary’s grave. When Gary died, they didn’t realize that they had to destroy the brain or Sheila’s victims would become undead, so Gary’s been hanging out underground as a severed head for the last few weeks. He’s been in the dark about what happened to him though, and needs Sheila and Joel to confirm it.
Once the formalities are out of the way, and they’ve debated whether they need to feel bad about burying Sheila’s attempted rapist alive, Sheila and Joel decide their next move should be to allow Gary to die with dignity. Gary has a last request, but before he can explain it, some pesky bikers interrupt their criminal activities. The Hammonds decide to quickly finish up moving the body of their murder victim, then they’ll take his head home to hear his proposal.
They set Gary up on a table in the basement, safely ensconced in a lovely vase. He’d prefer the living room, but they have to draw the line on retaining the image of normalcy somewhere.
Gary explains that he has a niece named Kayla in Long Beach. He’s her only family and was always the one who took care of her and her baby, making sure they had everything they needed and were okay. He wants to leave her his summer house on Lake Michigan so that Kayla and her daughter can start over somewhere better. If Joel and Sheila get the deed to the house to Kayla, then Gary can die in peace.
Joel balks at first, but Sheila thinks this is something good people would do. Joel thinks it’s a moral gray area at best, but agrees anyway.
The next morning, Joel confesses that he was really hoping to have a quieter day, doing normal stuff like buying the cherry wood for the bookshelves he wants to build, getting a haircut, going out to dinner, and writing a Yelp review. Sheila understands, but she feels guilty that she took Kayla’s family and support system away from her. She wants to tell Kayla what happened to Gary in person, even if they’re actually telling her lies. There’s nothing sociopathic about this at all, because they mean well. 😜
They realize that they need to keep Abby out of the basement so that she doesn’t see Gary’s head and get upset with them for bringing home a new pet. In a case of reverse psychology, they tell her to clean the basement so that she’ll stay away from the basement.
Abby asks if they had anything to do with the torn up body of a jogger found near Rocky Peak Park. Joel and Sheila say it wasn’t them, but agree that it sounds like the work of the undead. Joel doesn’t want to think about it, but Abby and Sheila wonder who else is undead and ripped the victim to pieces.
Eric and Ramona go back to Ramona’s after lunch at Panda Express, which he ate, and she didn’t. Ramona says she wasn’t hungry, but there are a million things she’d like to do to Eric now. Eric responds that so far, he’s just done one thing to himself a million times. Then he tries to save himself by asking for water. Ramona kisses him and leaves to get the water.
Eric goes to hyperventilate in the bathroom, where he discovers that Ramona keeps her bodies in the bathtub, just like Sheila. Oops. He calls Abby to panic and ask her to pick him up. He also gives her instructions for avoiding traffic on the drive, because this is an important factor for rescuers to take into account in a big city, unless they can fly or use the Tardis. As he’s getting off the phone, Ramona bursts in and grabs him. She’s a woman who knows what she wants.
Sheila and Joel have run into traffic problems on the 405, so they’re running late before they even get to Kayla’s house, and have to cross Joel’s haircut off the schedule. The traffic slowdown was caused by a mattress and cowboy boot on the side of the road, which is one of the most realistic things this show has ever featured.
They introduce themselves to Kayla as John and Wendy Darling, which would make Gary Peter Pan, the Lost Boy permanently flown off to Never Never Land. Then they explain to Kayla that Gary suddenly decided to get rid of all of his material possessions and move to a remote village to help the poor. He got rid of his possessions so quickly, in fact, that he didn’t have a chance to call anyone and let them know that he was leaving before he gave up his phone. But he wanted Kayla to have the summer house, and asked them to deliver the deed.
Kayla is sad that Gary has disappeared, but happy he’s found a new calling. She’s thrilled to be given the house, where she spent childhood summers, some of the happiest times of her life. But wait— This guy that she used to date, Boone, got mad when she broke up with him. He took her car and won’t give it back. She can’t live on 6 acres in a small Michigan town with no car.
Sheila figures that they have to see their good deed all the way through to the end in order for it to count toward making them good people. Joel is reluctant, because retrieving the car means he’ll miss the sale on wood for his bookshelves. Sheila promises that he’ll still get his Chinese food, and the satisfaction of granting Gary’s last wish.
Eric and Ramona have sex three times before Abby gets there to rescue him. I’m sure that says more about traffic than his staying power. She’s wearing Sheila’s body armor, which Ramona says is a good look for her. Abby asks if Sheila bit Ramona to make her undead. Ramona doesn’t know how it happened, other than the usual vomit- die- eat someone process.
Ramona asks how Sheila’s feeling. She wonders if Sheila’s having the same problem as her. Ramona pulls off her ear, which she’s keeping attached to her head via velcro. It fell off a week ago. Eric tells her that they can help her.
Sheila and Joel find Boone’s house and ask him to give Kayla her car back. Even though he has a bird bath in his front yard, he swears at them and refuses. They offer him $400 for the car, and he agrees. He invites them inside to wait while he gets the keys.
While they’re waiting, Joel notices that Boone has already made the cherry wood bookshelves that Joel has been planning. Joel examines Boone’s shelves closely, gushing over the fine craftsmanship. Then he looks at what’s on the shelves. They’re covered in Hitler, Nazi and white supremacist memorabilia.
Sheila feels like she’s hit the mother lode. They’ve finally found the guilt-free kill, someone with no redeeming social value. A young single Hitler who’s home alone and just took some opiates for fun.
Joel has to be a buzzkill though. There will always be someone who seems to present the perfect opportunity to kill. He’s been looking forward to their date night. The rest of the day has been ruined. He’s not giving this up.
While Eric and Abby prepare a dose of the cure for Ramona, he tells Abby that he’s so glad that he was deflowered this way. He was always scared it would be with his cousin Sophie. Abby is sarcastic and unsupportive. Eric notices her hostility, but has no clue what it’s about and doesn’t stop talking about his sexcapades with Ramona. 🤦🏻♀️
Given the way Abby’s mocking Ramona’s undead status, even though her mom’s undead, I think it’s safe to say that the issue is really that she’s jealous and won’t admit it. Plus there was that whole thing where she dropped everything and rushed across town to brave an out of control zombie to save his life. This is more than just someone feeling deserted by her best friend.
Joel is vindicated when one of Boone’s friends shows up. The planned Nazi outing to mock a Jewish funeral is off. However, the friend doesn’t want to let Sheila and Joel leave without selling them some raffle tickets to support the white supremacist softball team. Sheila buys the whole book, viewing it as a book of future meal tickets.
Eric injects Ramona with the cure, but the needle breaks off in her spine. Luckily, she can’t feel it. She’s also cured of wanting to be in a relationship with him. She was getting close to him to find out if the Hammonds had a way to treat being undead. She’s actually kind of a loner, so now that she’s gotten the cure, she’s out.
Eric is sad. Abby says she wasn’t jealous, she was angry, because when she got to Ramona’s she thought he’d be dead, and she’d never see him again. She tells him never to do that again, and the strings swell. They stare meaningfully into each other’s eyes.
Then they practically jump away from each other like they’ve been burned. A slow burn, of course. Abby leaves to clean the basement, and Eric goes home.
Joel finally gets his Chinese food dinner at the new restaurant. The fish comes with its head still on, brain intact, so you know the food’s authentic. Possibly undead.
Sheila supportively watches Joel eat, and contemplates the lobster tank. She wishes she had a lobster tank full of evil humans to grab from whenever she gets hungry. Her raffle ticket book is awfully similar to a lobster tank.
They discuss the best way to kill Gary’s head. The methods are peaceful and poetic. Death brings out their artistic side. They consider keeping him alive until Halloween to use as the best decoration ever.
Meanwhile, Abby opens a storage closet in the basement, and Gary’s head introduces himself. Abby just says, “not today,” and slams the door shut. Her parents are bad enough. She shouldn’t have to also deal with their weird friends popping up out of nowhere when she least expects them.
Sheila: I think being separated from your penis has made you a better man.
Gary: Maybe. Certainly has given me more free time.
Sheila: I would like nothing more than to go out on a date night with you.
Joel: Also, I haven’t written a Yelp review in a long time and my followers rely on me. Elite status is a privilege and a burden.
Sheila: Yeah, I was kind of hoping that Yelp thing would die with me, but I know it’s important to you, so I pretend to care.
Joel: Thank you.
Sheila: We can’t let [Abby] find Gary’s head!
Joel: I know. I’m not worried about her being shocked, I’m just tired of her criticizing us.
Eric: Stay calm, Eric, dumber people than you do this successfully all the time. (To the condom he keeps in his wallet) Wake up, old friend. Your days of leisure are over.
Eric: I was so worried my first time would be with my cousin, Sophie. She gives such good massages. But now, instead of doing something creepy, and desperate…
Abby: You’re having sex with a dead woman.
Eric: Undead. You know, I always thought my obsession with the supernatural would hurt my chances with girls, but really, it was just preparing me for my deflowering.
Abby: Why stop there? Maybe you can have a threesome with a mermaid and a hobbit.
Images courtesy of Netflix.
Metawitches 
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