Evie and Xavier begin the episode by crossing “shopping cart slingshot” off of Evie’s apocalyst, which is something you most definitely shouldn’t try at home. Evie ends up face first in beach sand, which, why?? At least end up in the water. This is one list item that didn’t look worth it to me.
Back home, Evie and Xavier look through their lists and make suggestions for their next adventure. Evie suggests #36) sleeping in a blanket fort. Her mother never let her as a child, because her mom was afraid she’d suffocate. That explains a lot. Xavier’s corresponding item is #544) have sex in a blanket fort. Because of course it is.
But first, Xavier wants to go back to Evie’s #17, which she keeps skipping over: Get Francis “Fern” Fernberger’s forgiveness. If Evie works on that one, he’ll do one of his hard ones. He’s originally thinking of #1259) Tell Evie how I really feel. Screw non-monogamy. But Evie’s phone blows up with notifications from multiple dating sites, so Xavier makes a quick switch to #88) Return Wes Hofley’s baseball card.
Fern was Evie’s best friend in high school until Evie ditched her the day before color guard tryouts. Evie joined the cool girls on the volleyball team instead, and never looked back. She’s afraid she ruined Fern’s life, because Fern was just another social leper without Evie around. Which, wow, Evie, that is such an obnoxious sentiment, I’m almost speechless. 😡😡😡😱😱 I’m going to take a wild guess that Fern’s managed to do something more with her life in the 12 years since high school graduation than mope around over you. Is Fern who Evie’s always afraid she’ll become if she doesn’t have everyone’s approval and affection?
Xavier regrets encouraging ethical non-monogamy, but he doesn’t want to be the kind of jerk who brings it up, then tells her to stop as soon as she starts dating other people. His bartender friend disagrees, and thinks Xavier should tell Evie his true feelings. Xavier wants to give Evie the freedom to explore her own journey.
Deirdre calls Hank into her office to talk about office supplies and weekend plans. She whispers in his ear about salsa dancing and gives him another eargasm. He tells Timothy later that Deirdre must be doing it on purpose. Hank is still with his internet girlfriend, who he’s never met in real life. He’s not available to be with Deirdre, no matter how much she turns him on. He decides to engage the protocols for he and @winniecooper534 to meet in real life.
Timothy has been seeing Bianca, the girl with the pink hair he met at wrestling last week. She’s into combat sex, and injured him by punching him in the penis while he was asleep. Definitely time for him to move on. He signs up for a dating app.
Evie can’t find Fern on social media, so she gets Kareema to look her up in the Cybermart records. Kareema finds that Fern has ordered from Cybermart recently, and lets Evie have a look at the information. (Evie has no problem with breaking the law when she’s the one doing it, and it’s to benefit herself.) Fern’s most recent order was for 400 lbs of cat food. Evie’s guilt flares up again. That’s it, she’s single-handedly turned Fern into a crazy cat lady. Evie gathers up her courage and goes to visit the supposed cat lady. There’s even a Cat Playground sticker on Fern’s door. OMG, Fern is an extra crazy cat lady! Evie can’t bear to look at the damage she’s done and turns to walk away.
Fern steps out of the door and calls to Evie in that moment. She’s dressed elegantly in designer clothing and looks fabulous. The interior of the building is an office for Fern’s charity, Best Pals Animal Sanctuary, which has offices in 15 countries. Fern started it right after she finished grad school. Fern and Evie talk. Fern tells Evie all about the charity. She’s basically living the life Evie wants, traveling the world, helping animals, and meeting interesting people. Evie apologizes for what she did to Fern in high school. Fern acknowledges the apology, but doesn’t offer forgiveness. Fern suggests that Evie work for Best Pals if they have a suitable opening. They plan lunch for the next day at Cybermart. Evie realizes later that Fern didn’t actually forgive her and resolves to get forgiveness the next day. Evie is freaking exhausting.
Meanwhile, Xavier has traced the baseball card that he stole in 5th grade, then sold to get the money to buy nunchucks. It’s ended up in a local museum. He finds an even more rare and valuable baseball card to switch with the one he stole. Then Xavier and Evie stow away in a staff locker until the museum closes. Except they amuse themselves with sexy times as they’re waiting, as usual, and get caught by a security guard. The guard thinks locker sex was the point of the adventure. He’ll let them go for a kiss. Evie’s willing, and steps up. This time, the guard says nope, not interested. He wants to kiss Xavier, with tongue. Xavier goes for it, while Evie takes the guard’s keys and switches out the cards. Mission accomplished, and two more items crossed off the apocalysts.
Xavier takes the baseball card back to his childhood friend, Wes Hofley, who tells Xavier that the Hofley’s housekeeper, Mrs. Barnes, got fired for stealing the baseball card. Xavier asks Wes to get him Mrs. Barnes’ address, because now Xavier’s worried that he may have actually ruined someone’s livelihood.
Fern calls Deirdre looking for a job reference for Evie, which leads to Deirdre having lunch with them, which leads to Deirdre hiring Fern for Cyberhugs on the spot. Fern sets up the Animal Welfare division of Cyberhugs. She accidentally on purpose spells Evie’s name wrong in the company wide email invite to the launch meeting, so Evie misses most of it. Needless to say, Evie still hasn’t been able to cross “Get Fern’s forgiveness” off her list. Fern is kind of my hero right now. I love it when someone makes Evie actually work for something. Or points out that she really is not a charitable person, despite how much she says she wants to do charity work. She can be generous and kind, but she rarely goes out of her way for people, and certainly not for strangers she has nothing in common with. Evie wants Fern’s forgiveness for herself, not because she actually cares about making amends to Fern. Evie has done nothing but mouth meaningless words at Fern. She doesn’t owe Evie her forgiveness. Evie needs to prove she’s someone worth forgiving, and so far, she hasn’t.
Fern proceeds to gaslight Evie into showing her true colors. Evie ends up screaming virtually unprovoked threats at Fern in the middle of the work floor. The sad truth is, Fern didn’t have to do much to make Evie snap. The Cyberhugs job was never Evie’s to lose. Evie was only close to a couple of people in the entire warehouse, and slightly disdainful of the rest. Fern didn’t steal any friends from her. Most of the plot was in Evie’s mind, because Evie can’t handle it when people don’t automatically like and approve of her. At least not people who matter. With her looks and perky personality, she’s used to getting that approval nearly effortlessly. Then she turns on a bit of manipulative charm when needed. Until she hit upon Deirdre, and now adult Fern. Neither will let Barbie coast through with no effort.
Fern tells Evie that saying “I’m sorry” is nothing more than meaningless words. Evie promised to make things up to Fern in high school, but never did. Fern can see that Evie is no more loyal or trustworthy than she was in high school.
Deirdre tells Evie that she has to offer Evie the full time Cyberhugs job, because the board wants it to go to someone who already works for Cybermart. She’d rather offer it to Fern, the more qualified candidate. Evie’s thrilled that she’s stolen the job back from Fern, until she thinks it through. Deirdre is telling Evie that if Evie turns the job down, it can be offered to Fern, who Evie owes. Evie does the right thing, and gives the job to Fern. She’s finally earned Fern’s forgiveness.
Xavier traces Mrs. Barnes and discovers she’s passed away. Now he’s really worried. He looks up her daughter to make amends. It turns out Violet, the daughter, dropped out of law school when her mother got fired. Mrs. Barnes got depressed, which led to her daughter discovering she wanted to help mentally ill people. She’s now a therapist. She tells Xavier that things often work out the way they’re meant to. Then she listens to him worry about whether he should tell Evie about his feelings or not. Violet adds her vote to the growing pile that says he should own up to his feelings.
Hank follows the intricate procedures for arranging a real life meeting with @winniecooper534. She doesn’t show up the first time because Timothy breaks protocol and hangs around the meeting spot. They arrange a second meeting and she shows. She’s adorably cute and sweet. Winnie and Hank have tons in common and finish each other’s sentences. But, she doesn’t pass the crucial eargasm test. They both agree they feel like they’re kissing siblings. Hank and Winnie make a pact to be friends and foreign invasion battle buddies.
Hank’s free to be with Deirdre now. He arrives at her office with a bouquet of flowers made from lavender post-its (her favorite), and asks her to dance. Hank sweeps Deirdre out from behind her desk and into his arms. She lights up with happiness as they start to dance. 😍😍 👍 👏🏽
Kareema set Fern up on some of the dating apps which are all the rage. Timothy had been paired up with Evie, but she rejected him. His name comes up as Fern’s soul mate, and she gives him an immediate yes. Oh boy. It’s great for Timothy to have people choose him, but Fern doesn’t need someone who’s hung up on Evie. They’d be a sweet couple if it worked out.
Evie gets home, and, thanks to Violet the therapist, Xavier tells her that he doesn’t want to explore other options. He just wants her. Evie likes that idea, too, and tosses her phone aside. Xavier’s built them a blanket fort, so they can get on with crossing #36 and #544 off of their lists. A little hard-won personal growth, and a little romance for both this week.
Hank: @winniecooper534 is real, and I’ve been catfished enough times to know. This does not smell like catfish. [Wonder Years shout out!!]
Fern: Oh, I accidentally misspelled your name “Evil Covington.” I’m sorry. {Evil Eyes}
Next time, Xavier’s past catches up with him.
Metawitches 
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