Evie and Xavier start the episode with the sacrilege of destroying a ceramic lawn gnome. I know it’s not cool to like gnomes, but Amelie’s dad and I have a thing for them, ok? It’s hard to watch one be murdered in cold blood. They also cross two more items off of the apocalysts: #124) Lawn Bowling and #281) Break stuff for the hell of it.
Evie stops by her parents’ house and discovers that they’re getting ready to rent it out. Dad’s new acting career isn’t taking off as quickly as they’d hoped, and finances are getting tight. Evie thinks about it overnight, and decides to cross #58)Repay Mom and Dad off of her list by asking them to move in with her. Mom and Dad both seem cheerful about the move, but it turns out that Mom is really worried. She’s upset that Dad quit his job and put them in financial jeopardy without talking to her. She doesn’t want to say anything to Dad, though, because he’s so happy that his aura is yellow! Yellow, Evie!
Xavier gets a letter from his father. He starts to burn it without even opening it. Evie stops him and reminds him that reconciling with his dad on his list. Xavier with an X tells her that it’s not like he’s going to get to everything on his list, and this is one of the things that’s unlikely to happen. Never say never, Xavier, especially not when Evie’s around. Evie pockets the letter when Xavier’s not looking.
Xavier rushes off for lunch with Hank at a hotdog stand in the park. He notices a suspicious looking black van. Hank thinks it’s following him because of his conspiracy theories. Later, Xavier realizes it’s following him. Actual men in black ooze out of the van and chase Xavier. Maybe he’s really an alien! Or maybe they want to suppress his asteroid theory.
Hank advises Xavier to beef up his security: cover his windows with newspapers, cover his computer camera with duct tape, etc. But, when the men in black catch up to Xavier and knock on his door, Xavier answers. He tells them he’s not going to run. They can silence him, but they can’t silence his theory. They have no idea what he’s talking about. They’re repo men. He owes $93,000 in unpaid bills. His credit cards are frozen, and they’re taking everything. Because he uses a PO Box, they had to follow him to find out where he lives. Xavier decides to liquidate his remaining assets, and try to get by without telling Evie about his financial difficulties. He doesn’t want to burden her.
Kareema takes Evie home to meet her family. Her brother Rohan is bringing his new fiance around to meet the family and Kareema needs moral support to get through the night. Rohan introduces everyone to Sofia, who turns out to be gorgeous and cool. She and Kareema hit it off immediately. By the end of the night, Kareema is totally smitten.
Evie’s parents are driving her crazy. Dad’s into noisy DIY projects, and Mom’s trying to meditate away her feelings rather than tell Dad the truth. Evie looks at self-help books at work for advice to help her parents with their communication issues, but nothing seems right. After a night of drunk charades with Xavier, she decides that a wine-soaked sunset cruise will be just the thing to get her parents telling the truth to each other. Working at Cybermart looks awesome, just for the instant availability of anything you could ever need. It’s a hoarder’s shopper’s dream job.
The wine cruise ends up double booked, so Evie, Xavier, Mom, and Dad end up on a pirate cruise. The pirate ship can’t leave the dock. The drinks, however, are alcoholic. Mom quickly gets drunk enough to yell the truth about her frustrations with Dad at him before falling off the boat into the harbor. Mission accomplished!
Kareema and Sofia end up using the massage gift card that Kareema’s mom got for Rohan and Sofia, but there’s an overbooking epidemic going around Seattle this week, so they have to share a couple’s massage room. After the massage, they move on to the sauna, where Sofia makes a pass at Kareema. Kareema turns Sofia down because of Rohan. Sofia confesses that she and Rohan are getting married so that she can stay in the US. They aren’t in love, it’s just a Green Card marriage. Hot and steamy making out commences. Those two have so much chemistry, it’s ridiculous. It’s nice to see Sarayu Blue getting more to do. While I enjoy watching her eyes light up impishly as she baits Evie every week, she’s way too good an actress to be limited to that.
Timothy and Fern have started dating based on their dating service match up. It’s going so well that Timothy’s thinking she might replace Evie in his heart, which would be some kind of poetic justice on all sides.
Hank and Timothy get together a couple of times to discuss dating techniques, since Hank is trying to figure out how to woo Deirdre. He wants to make things special for her, but nothing he tries works. He ends up googling Deirdre. Turns out she’s also Dee Dee Montana, author of a dozen explicit romance novels. My love for Deirdre knows no bounds. She and Hank need their own spin-off show. Anyway, Hank now has access to very detailed versions of Deirdre’s sexual fantasies.
Evie finds Xavier’s invoices from the collection agencies. She pushes him to tell her the truth about his finances and his father. He tells her that he didn’t want to burden her with his problems. She explains that her parents are having problems because they don’t communicate clearly, and she doesn’t want that to happen to them. They need to be a team. Xavier tells her everything about his finances, including that he’s going to need a new place to live.
But first, Evie wants to repay her parents for real, and help them get their marriage back on track. She and Xavier set up his house to look like their first New Year’s Eve together, a special time in their relationship. The nostalgia puts them in a place where they can be honest but gentle with each other, and they work things out. No more unilateral decisions from Dad, and no more holding things in from Mom. They are a team again. They head home to finish making up and see if they can pop their air mattress.
Hank picks a scene from one of Deirdre’s novels to surprise her with, sets the stage in her office, then calls her in. She’s shocked that he knows about the books. They’re her secret creative outlet. As she’s throwing him out of her office, he explains that he wanted to do something for her that would equal his eargasms. Deirdre gets thoughtful look on her face as he’s leaving. The next day, Hank hears Deirdre calling for Sebastian Stone, the romantic lead in her novels, to come to the janitor’s closet. He races there. His idea is a massive success, judging by the way Hank and Deirdre look when they emerge from the closet. Also, Deirdre has excellent taste. I’d be happy to watch Sebastian Stone/Stan star in the movies made from her novels. It’s too bad the real Sebastian Stan only gets the romantic lead when he’s opposite Chris Evans. 😘
Kareema talks to Rohan about Sofia and their Green card marriage. He confesses that, although they were just friends when they got engaged, he’s fallen in love with Sofia since then. He’s waiting until the right time to tell her, since that wasn’t part of the deal. Evie tells Kareema she should stay away from Sofia. Kareema agrees, but then immediately makes a date with Sofia, because, please, it’s like Evie’s never met Kareema. Add a little chaos to your life.
Evie’s mom and dad get jobs working as pirates on the pirate cruise ship to tide them over until Greg’s acting career takes off. Xavier decides that he needs to get a job, too.
Xavier shows Evie a scrap book from his childhood. His dad helped him win 1st place in his 8th grade science fair, but he also drank and was hardly around. When Xavier’s mom died, things got pretty dark. Xavier had to break free of him for his own survival. The last time Xavier talked to his father, it sent Xavier into a downward spiral for 6 months. He can’t risk that kind of depression again with only 7 months left to live. Evie points out that he’s also giving up a chance at catharsis and reconciliation. He wouldn’t be alone, he’d have her. Xavier reads his dad’s letter, but that’s all he’s prepared to do right now.
Xavier envies Evie her close knit family. He loves watching.them together. That close knit family also leaves Evie unable to understand the depth of Xavier’s pain and difficulty with his family. She’s very sheltered, and not particularly empathetic. Her family was not only a generally happy family, but a family that tried to appear happy even when they weren’t. Mom doesn’t tell Dad things that might upset him. We all need to be happy all the time. She has no idea what to do with someone from a dysfunctional family who’s had to deal with so many issues by himself: alcoholism, abandonment by a parent, death of a parent, closest living relative convicted of a felony and imprisoned, now on the run. With her beautiful, middle class , blonde, intact family, those issues don’t even exist in Evie’s world.
Xavier’s not the healthiest at dealing with his issues, but he’s also not terrible. His financial issues do seem to stem from him simply misjudging how long it would take for the bill collectors to catch up with him. I have known terminally ill people who lived the last year of their lives the same way as Xavier. Your debts die with you. Some people really do decide to run up their credit cards and live out the dreams they haven’t fulfilled yet. We don’t know if he’s right about the asteroid or not, so we can’t judge him on that. They gave us more evidence tonight of his science background, making his ability to come up with a valid theory more plausible. Even if he’s wrong, it still might turn out to have been a reasonable theory.
That just leaves his family, which seems to consist of a father who’s reaching out to Xavier after doing a lot of damage during Xavier’s childhood. I’m not sure how much forgiveness we owe the parents who do us irreparable harm. Especially when we struggle with the same relationship dynamics for the rest of our lives. I struggle with this in my own life. Xavier could probably use some closure, Evie’s right. But he might never be able to trust his father enough to have a close relationship.
Quotes:
Barista: You maxed out 15 credit cards and let them go to collections. How did you think that would go? Xavier: I thought I would keep living my life exactly as I pleased for the next 7 months, and then a giant flaming rock would come kill us all. My credit score would be the least of my concerns. Barista: Avoidance. It’s the Xavier way.
Xavier: It’s a black van with tinted windows. Hank: Okay, black man with scented mentos, got it.
Kareema’s Mom: I’m very happy to meet Kareema’s best work friend. Hank is an unusual name for a girl.
Gloria: Sweetie, it’s not your fault that your father constantly makes unilateral decisions on behalf of both of us. It’s just his way. Greg: And it’s also not your fault that your mother got drunk and ruined an otherwise perfectly civilized stationary pirate cruise.
Greg: I am Handsome Jack. Gloria: And I am Wench Wendy Graybeard. Greg: Few men have seen her graybeard, and lived to tell the tale.
Metawitches 
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