Sadly, Rebecca, Josh’s friend is about to leave you alone for a long time, possibly forever. This is Santino Fontana’s last episode, since he only wanted a one year contract. While this is great news for Greg the character, it’s sad news for fans who enjoyed watching him every week. I’m going to believe that Greg, and Santino, will be back eventually. He’s too close to too many people in West Covina to leave forever, as Greg himself said. My shipper heart will keep hoping that Greg and Rebecca will get their happily ever after, even though I will try to stay open to other possibilities. But, if Glee can bring Jon Groff back for its last two episodes to give Jesse St James and Rachel Berry their HAE, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend can do the same for this pair, once they’ve both worked out all of their issues separately.
On to the actual recap…
We pick up where we left off last week, as Rebecca catches up with Greg at the airport. He’s about to fly off to start college at Emory. She begs him to stay, but he can’t. They’re terrible for each other, a shit show, in fact. He didn’t say goodbye to her because he loves her, and he wouldn’t have been able to bring himself to leave if he’d seen her. He walks off into the sunset gets on the escalator to go catch his flight. There goes the man of my dreams (in addition to my husband and my other 10 TV boyfriends and girlfriends, of course).
Rebecca is devastated, having lost both of the other 2 sides of her potential love triangle at once. She takes to her bed, and falls into complete self-absorption. Paula tries to comfort her, and for once gives Greg a little bit of credit. She points out the reality of the situation, trying to shake Rebecca out of her obsessive delusions. Rebecca won’t be budged, and says she doesn’t know who she is without Greg and Josh to define her. Paula tells her to be herself. Rebecca is repulsed at that thought. Why would she want to be that gross person? She insensitively tells Paula that Paula has no idea what it’s like to be at this kind of crossroads in life.
Paula looks terrible, like she’s either started having morning sickness from her pregnancy, or has been up all night crying, but Rebecca doesn’t notice. Paula lets Rebecca’s insensitivity go, since Rebecca is acting like a child, and Paula always tries to be a good mom to her. Back at home, Paula is overwhelmed by all of the responsibilities she’s already juggling. Her husband suggests they consider “options”, code for an abortion. They just won’t tell Father Brah, so that he won’t tell God. Paula feels she’s too old and responsible to take that option. Scott suggests she talk to Rebecca about it, but Paula refuses. She’s not comfortable talking to Rebecca about something like this, even though they are supposed to be best friends. This does not bode well for their friendship.
Meanwhile, Rebecca has reached the “Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair” stage of breakup recovery. She’s cleaning her apartment to get rid of boyfriend residue when the memory spirits/polterguys of Greg and Josh appear to remind her of the great sex they had everywhere in the house through a fantastic tap dance number, full of puns and male bonding.
Rebecca retaliates by burning their stuff in her kitchen sink, except that she inadvertently burns her condo down. Whoops. Time for a new set.
She goes next door to Heather’s to ask if she can spend the night. Heather lives with her parents. Rebecca, who gives good parent no matter how dire the situation, charms the Davis’s into treating her like their own child.
The jerk in 7B somehow got hold of Rebecca’s embarrassing 911 call and made it public. Everyone has heard it, which adds more fuel to the fire of Rebecca’s depression. She does notice something is bothering Paula, but since she’s crying when she asks Paula about it, it hardly counts as concern.
The law firm has a new client, Miss Douche, run by Jane the Virgin’s Yael Grobglas, who is hysterically enthusiastic about douches and the persecution of her industry by Big Vagina. Bex is taken with the Miss Douche rebranding scheme, and decides she wants a little bit of that magic for herself. She decides to run for Miss Douche, which will require her to recuse herself from the case. She dumps all of the work for the big case onto Paula, even though Paula’s not a lawyer.
Scott decides to help out more with domestic chores, to show Paula that she doesn’t have to drop out of law school, but the whole thing is a disaster. Their lives were already full, before the pregnancy and law school. He’s very supportive of Paula becoming Paula Proctor, Esquire, and won’t let her give up.
Rebecca gets a complete makeover in order to be competitive in the Miss Douche contest. She’s now blonde, wearing tight, low-cut outfits, and 6 inch heels. She also pays $5,000 for bots to vote for her. Bex is out of control.
Josh and Rebecca run into each other on the street, and Josh thinks Rebecca’s wearing a costume. He’s completely uninterested in her or the recent events in her life. This sends Rebecca straight back to bed (or, Heather’s couch), ready to quit the Miss Douche competition. Heather forces Bex to keep going, and we learn that Heather’s parents never made her finish anything. Once she’s standing in front of the judges at the Miss Douche contest, Rebecca panics. She doesn’t know who she is and she’s not okay. She walks out, and tells the judges to consider Heather instead. Heather ends up winning. The prizes are $10,000 and a lifetime supply of douches. She’s taking Rebecca and her winnings and moving out of her parents house.
Paula represents Whitefeather and Associates for the Miss Douche zoning hearing. She impresses the zoning board representative, and he encourages her to go to law school. Paula makes her decision and goes through with the abortion. Presumably they don’t tell Father Brah or God. She also doesn’t tell Rebecca, even though everyone in the family knows, and Rebecca visits during her recovery. When Rebecca asks what’s wrong, Paula deflects, turning the conversation back toward Rebecca’s favorite subject, Rebecca. Bex shares the wisdom she’s acquired during this episode, that she needs to start focussing on changing what’s inside, rather than focussing on external things like boyfriends. We’ll see how successful she is at actually doing this.
Paula has a hard time asking for, taking, and accepting what she needs for herself. Scott can see what she needs most of the time, and tries to make sure she gets it. Daryl, the best boss in the world unless your name is Maya, does as well. But in a friendship with a manipulative, self-absorbed person like Rebecca, Paula’s needs are going to be forgotten. Rebecca doesn’t even do it on purpose, so it’s hard to be mad at her, and she’s just continuing the rules of the friendship they established in S1. But, now that Paula isn’t getting the high of the adrenaline rush from Rebecca’s drama and shenanigans that she got last year, and is going to be burdened with even more responsibilities, she won’t have much energy left over for Rebecca’s made up emotional drama. Things could get difficult.
The episode closes with Heather and Bex sitting outside, virtually house hunting. Rebecca spots Valencia, dressed down, no makeup, and scarfing down a donut. Looks like someone else is having a tough time post-breakup. Welcome back, Gabrielle Ruiz!
Next week, Rebecca saves Valencia from herself.
Metawitches 
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